The truth about Bonnie

I need to write this down so that when I'm done, I'll actually understand what I've been doing.

Bonnie doesn't exist. She never has. She's been a fiction I created to explain away the fact that I'm in love with someone I can never have. She's been my way of avoiding the questions about why I don't date. Why I'm always single. Why I can't seem to connect with anyone romantically.

The truth is that I've been in love with Mario since we were at university. For almost ten years, I've been in love with him.

And he will never know. And if he did know, it would destroy our friendship.

So I maintain the fiction. I talk about Bonnie like she's real. Like she's the reason I can't be with someone else.

But the real reason is much simpler and much sadder.

Mario doesn't want me. And he never will.

I came to New York to escape that realization. To build a life where I don't have to think about him or Bonnie or the fact that I'm fundamentally incapable of being with anyone.

And it's not working. It's not working at all.