The apartment is full of strangers in uniforms. Mario won't look at me. I should say something true. I can't.
I'm standing behind Mario while he reads Simona's final words. I can feel his devastation. His guilt. His belief that he caused this. He's wrong. But I'm not going to correct him. Instead, I'm going to let him thin…
The three of us are a photograph nobody asked for. Simona hums. Mario pretends he's fine. I pretend I'm fine too. One of us has to be good at it.
After dinner last week, it was decided that we would move in together, the three of us, to my apartment. Simona, Mario, and I will stay for some time at my place so that Simona can decide who will be her boyfriend, be…
I'm back in Rome. The city looks the same but feels different. Or maybe I'm different. Mario picked me up from the airport. He looked terrible—exhausted and thin and nothing like the confident man I left. Sonya's d…
Bad espresso in Fiumicino still beats good coffee in the wrong country. That thought is dramatic. I'm leaving it.
Sweaters. Gifts I shouldn't buy. A bottle of whisky for Mario because that's what friends do. I'm not sure what I'm walking back into. I'm doing it anyway.
My ex invited me to dinner with his friends. I went. I smiled. I said I was grateful for Bonnie's understanding. Bonnie's understanding is a ghost eating my dinner.
Bonnie has decided to stay in New York for Christmas. She has work obligations that can't be rescheduled. Which is code for: Bonnie doesn't exist and never did, and I've finally decided to stop pretending about her.…
Thirty days until I see Rome again. Thirty days until I see Mario. Thirty days until everything changes or nothing changes. Either way, I'm facing something.
I've decided. I'm coming back to Rome for Christmas. Mario needs me. And even though it's complicated and painful and everything I'm trying to avoid, I can't say no to him. So I'll go back. I'll see him. I'll be his…
I need to write this down so that when I'm done, I'll actually understand what I've been doing. Bonnie doesn't exist. She never has. She's been a fiction I created to explain away the fact that I'm in love with someo…
I've decided to come back to Rome for Christmas. To finish what I started. Mario needs me. He doesn't know it yet, but he will. And when he does, I'm going to be there. And I'm going to destroy everything he loves.…
Mario called me at three in the morning. I thought something had happened to Sonya. Instead he told me she had taken her own life. I didn't know what to say. I don't know what to say now. Mario is devastated. The f…
Domenica mattina, Sonya si e' tolta la vita. I dettagli li tralascio. Che tristezza estrema. Scusate ma ancora non riesco a capacitarmi di cio'... Here it goes. I am so out that I wrote the whole post in Italian and…
I've accepted the consulting position. I start in November. A real job. In a real city. That I've decided to stay in. This is commitment. This is what moving forward actually looks like. Except I'm still lying abou…
I've been in New York for two months now. The apartment is starting to feel like home. I'm settling into a routine. Work has come through—my ex's firm is offering me a consulting position starting in November. Every…
I run until my knees complain. The East River doesn't care about my feelings. I like that about it.
Contracts, signatures, tax forms. The kind of adult life I used to outsource to assistants in another life. Being nobody here is exhausting. Also a relief.
Fall in New York is different than fall in Rome. Here, the trees turn colors that seem almost violent in their intensity. The whole city shifts. Everything becomes urgent. In Rome, autumn is gentle. A slow transitio…
Mario looked older on the screen. He asked about Bonnie; I lied smoothly. The lie tasted like metal. After we hung up I sat in the dark a long time.
September is ending. I've been in New York for exactly one month. I have an apartment. I'm building a routine. I'm seeing my ex and his friends regularly. And I'm still lying about Bonnie. Still constructing the fic…
I miss Rome. Not the city itself, particularly. But the certainty of it. The rhythm of my days. The proximity to Mario. Here in New York, I'm anonymous. No one knows me. No one is waiting for me. No one cares who I'…
Slept in my new apartment last night. It's small and empty and exactly what I need right now. I stood at the window looking out at the city and thought about Rome. About Mario. About the person I've pretended to be…
Signed the lease today on a small place in the East Village. It's real. I'm staying in New York. Not temporarily. Actually staying. My ex helped me move some boxes in. He didn't ask questions about why I'm really do…
I've decided to stay in New York for September. Maybe longer. My ex helped me find a small apartment in the East Village. Nothing fancy, but it's mine. Or it will be, starting next month. I told him I was thinking a…
My ex asked today if I wanted to stay in New York. Said he could help me find a place. Said I could build a life here if I wanted. I said I didn't know. The truth is I don't know. And I'm tired of pretending. Maybe…
Had too much wine at a restaurant with my ex tonight. Told him about Mario. Not everything, but enough that I could see him starting to understand. "Oh," he said. "Oh, Flavio." I said, "Don't. Don't do the sympathe…
I've been in New York for three weeks and I still don't know what I'm doing here. My ex offered me work. Said there's a consulting firm that would love to hire someone with my background. Said I could make good money…
I've been here for a week and I already miss Rome. Not the city itself. But the certainty of being able to see Mario whenever I want. The knowledge of where he is and what he's doing. Here, I'm truly alone. Which is…
I am nearing the end of my holiday, and I loved it. I had a great time in NYC despite the heat and humidity, a great relaxing time on the coast of Massachusetts, and two great days in Boston. Let me tell you my impres…
I keep thinking about the last time I talked to Sonya. She seemed fine. Normal. But maybe I wasn't paying attention. Actually, I was paying attention. I was paying attention to everything. I was documenting the momen…
Dinner with Mario was... difficult. He cooked pasta, which was slightly burnt but edible. We drank too much wine. We talked about nothing important. At the end of the night, he hugged me and said, "I'm going to miss…
Sometimes, memories are like dreams: better than reality. When I used to live in New York, everything seemed to be wonderful. I loved everything about it; the "city that never sleeps" was just reality. Today, the Big…
I am not sleepy in New York and feel well and alive. Central Park is out of my window, and a beautiful big room is all for me! I wish Bonnie were here. Tomorrow morning, gym and breakfast and then go for a shopping s…
Five days until I leave. Mario asked me to come for dinner before I go. Just the two of us. He said he wanted to spend some time together before I'm gone. I said yes, which was a mistake. Because now I have to sit a…
Eight more days. I can feel the countdown. The way time accelerates as you approach something. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be reborn. This anticipation mixed with terror. Probably not. Probably I'm ju…
Ten more days until I leave for New York. I've been thinking about what I'm going to tell Mario before I go. If I'm going to tell him anything. The truth is that I should probably tell him the truth. That Bonnie doe…
He told me about Sonya. About the pregnancy. About the fact that he doesn't know what he wants. I told him to figure it out. That he owed it to her and the baby to at least try. But even as I was saying it, I was th…
The lunch was exactly what I expected. Mario exposed himself. Simona rejected him. Anneka watched the whole thing like she was documenting a nature program. And I sat there and said nothing. Because what could I say…
I'm driving to the restaurant. Mario is in the car next to me at a red light. He's smoking and looking out the window like he's contemplating his entire life. Maybe he is. I keep thinking about Bonnie. About the wom…
Can't sleep. Keep thinking about tomorrow. About sitting across from Mario and Simona and Anneka and pretending I don't notice what's happening. The thing about being observant is that you see everything. Too much, s…
He just called me. At one in the morning. Drunk. Or maybe just desperate. Sonya is gone. He said it like she was a possession he'd misplaced. "Sonya is gone, Flavio. She might be pregnant. What am I supposed to do?"…
I just got off the phone with Mario. He was at the gym watching Simona teach Pilates. He didn't say that directly, but I know him too well. I could hear it in the way he was talking. He's going to hurt her. Not inten…
I just got off the phone with Mario. He was at the gym watching Simona teach Pilates. He didn't say that directly, but I know him too well. I could hear it in the way he was talking. That casual tone he uses when he's…
Cannot sleep. Rome is too hot, my flat is like an oven, and my mind won't shut up. I have been thinking about New York again. About the year I spent there. About how beautiful everything seemed when I was young and s…