Five days

Five days until I leave.

Mario asked me to come for dinner before I go. Just the two of us. He said he wanted to spend some time together before I'm gone.

I said yes, which was a mistake. Because now I have to sit across from him and pretend that his company doesn't mean everything to me. That I'm not leaving partly because the intensity of my own feelings is becoming impossible to hide.

Sonya is pregnant. Mario told me this evening like it was something that needed to be announced. Like I was supposed to react with joy or shock.

Instead I just felt sad. Sad for her. Sad for the child who will be born to a father who is fundamentally incapable of putting someone else's needs before his own.

And sad for myself. Because watching Mario go through the motions of trying to be a better person just reinforces that I will never be the thing he actually needs.

Bonnie is looking increasingly fictional even to me. I had coffee with my ex last night and mentioned that Bonnie couldn't make the trip because of work obligations. The lie felt so worn out I could barely get it out.

How much longer can I keep this up?