Moving forward

Simona forgave me. Just like that. Walked away from years of justified anger and said, "Yes. I forgive you."

It made me feel worse, not better.

I called Sonya. Asked if we could meet. Asked if we could talk about the baby. About what she actually wants. About whether there's any part of me she still believes in.

She said she would meet me tomorrow. That she wanted to hear what I had to say.

I have no idea what I'm going to say. I have no idea how to explain to her that I've been a coward and an asshole and that I'm sorry but not sorry enough to actually change who I am at my core.

Maybe that's the starting point. Maybe honesty about being fundamentally selfish is better than pretending to be someone better.

I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

But at least I'm starting to ask the questions.