Dear Reader, I tip my hat to whatever god you believe in. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for following our three bloggers on their turbulent ride — your dedication to this tale does not go unappreciated. Th…
The sex happened. It was everything I planned and nothing like I expected. Flavio was triumphant. Mario was barely present. I was orchestrating something that I told myself was revenge but was really just destruction…
I found Simona in the bathtub this morning. Her wrists are open. The water is dark red. She's been gone for maybe an hour. Maybe more. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Flavio is somewhere in the apartm…
I found Simona this morning. I can't write more than that—not yet. The water was red. Her wrists were open. Flavio was somewhere in the apartment and I couldn't move. The rest is noise. Ambulance. Questions. A world…
Flavio is here. Simona is here. The flat smells like someone else's cooking. I'm so tired I'm beyond fear. That's probably not a good sign.
It's bloody impossible to live with him. Even worse, knowing that he is trying to get my girlfriend. His attentions to Simona drive me nuts! Sleeping in the same room is a true nightmare, and if I think that we are g…
Having Flavio back makes everything feel slightly more manageable. He doesn't ask questions. He doesn't judge. He just shows up and exists in the same space as my grief. That's what I needed. Flavio doesn't talk ab…
I bought things for a baby I haven't met. Neutral colours. Soft fabric. The cashier was kind. That almost undid me.
Another stretch of days gone. The due date we circled is still on the wall, getting closer, and there is no one to meet it with. I'm not becoming a father. I'm becoming a man who walks past an empty nursery and prete…
The city is putting up lights. It looks indecent, all that cheer. Flavio texts me stupid memes sometimes. I answer with one word so he knows I'm still here.
Flavio is coming back to Rome for Christmas. Just knowing that makes the weight slightly lighter. I won't have to do this alone. He's been my best friend for almost ten years. Through everything. Through all my fail…
I need to write this down so that when I'm done, I'll understand what I've been doing. Bonnie doesn't exist. She never has. She's a fiction Flavio created to explain away the fact that he's in love with someone he ca…
Lawyer. Hospital admin. Someone from Sonya's office who cried in my kitchen. I keep a list on my phone so I don't forget who I'm supposed to call back. The list grows faster than I can cross things off.
Flavio called and suggested I see someone. A therapist. He said I can't process this alone. He's right. But I don't know where to start. I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling without sounding like a complete s…
Went to Sonya's funeral today. She was so young. So full of potential. So undeserving of this ending. I felt like a ghost. Like I wasn't really there. Like this was something happening to someone else and I was just…
Making funeral arrangements. This should be a nightmare but it's just become logistics. The future we were building stopped when she did. There is no child to plan for. Only this. I keep thinking I should have seen…
Days are running together. People send condolences like they're forwarding chain mail. I nod. I thank them. I go back to the apartment and stare at the ceiling. The baby kicks. Sonya doesn't.
She took her own life this morning. The police came. There were questions. There was... nothing to say. She left no note. The doctor said it was likely a moment of despair. That seven months into pregnancy with depr…
Six and a half months now. Two and a half months until this becomes real in a way I can't pretend away anymore. I've been thinking about leaving. Not seriously. But the thought sits in my head like a guest I can't po…
I'm seven months pregnant and I can barely breathe. Mario has been kind. He's been present. He's been trying. But it's not enough. Or I'm not enough. Or we're not enough together. I keep thinking about what my life…
October is almost over. Six and a half months now. The baby will be here in about two and a half months. The countdown is real. The timeline is accelerating. I'm not going to lie—it's starting to feel urgent. Like…
Sonya and I are taking classes. Childbirth preparation. Baby care. How to change diapers. How to swaddle. All the things that seem impossibly complicated right now but apparently become muscle memory. The instructor…
We're almost at six months. The baby is starting to look like a person on the ultrasounds. The doctor pointed out facial features. Sonya cried. I wondered if this was what I was supposed to feel. I said the right th…
Rome is grey. Sonya wanted soup; I burned the first attempt and pretended the second was intentional. Small domestic failures feel safer than the big ones.
Quiet weekend. I didn't write because I didn't want to turn every feeling into content. Sometimes silence is the only honest thing left.
Work, appointments, the usual noise. Sonya is fine; I'm fine; nobody believes either of us when we say it. I'm trying to stay in the room when she talks. Not planning my escape in my head. It's harder than it sounds.
Sonya is five and a half months pregnant. I can feel the baby moving now when I put my hand on her stomach. The doctor said it's normal. I'm supposed to feel bonded or amazed or something. Instead I feel trapped. I…
October is here. The weather is starting to cool. Rome in autumn is beautiful. The tourists are thinning out. The city is returning to itself. Flavio isn't here to see it. But life goes on. Sonya wants to start thi…
September is almost over. Sonya and I are settling into something that feels sustainable. Not perfect, but real. The baby is due in about two and a half months. We've started looking at birthing options. Sonya wants…
Got an email from Flavio today. He's found an apartment in New York. He's staying through the fall, maybe longer. He said Bonnie encouraged him to follow his heart and build something new. Which is code for somethin…
Sonya is five months pregnant now. We went to the doctor today. Heard the heartbeat again. She was crying the whole time. I was thinking about Simona. I know how that sounds. I know I'm supposed to be present for th…
Sonya is showing now. The pregnancy is obvious. She's beautiful in this state—this fullness. This evidence of creation. We had lunch with her parents yesterday. They were kind. Welcoming. They didn't judge me for wha…
Sonya is about four and a half months along now. We're past the first trimester; the pregnancy feels real in a way it didn't before. She wants to start thinking about names. I'm not ready yet—but I'm trying not to sh…
Got a postcard from Flavio today. It's from the Museum of Modern Art. Very him. He says New York is beautiful and he's thinking about staying longer than planned. Maybe the whole fall. He doesn't mention Bonnie. Doe…
Sonya felt the baby kick today. She grabbed my hand and placed it on her stomach and waited. At first, nothing. And then this small flutter. Like a fish moving beneath the surface. I felt it. I felt my child moving…
Sonya is four and a half months pregnant now. I can see the bump when she's not hiding it under baggy clothes. It's real. She's real. This is happening whether I like it or not. I went to therapy this week like I pro…
Where did August go? Sonya and I are settling into a rhythm. Mornings she's usually nauseous. I make her toast. We sit on the balcony in the early light and don't talk much. It's nice. Quiet. The opposite of everyth…
She's moving her boxes into the apartment today. Slowly transforming it from my place into our place. I found her in the bedroom this morning arranging the prenatal vitamins on the nightstand. She was humming. Just a…
We decided this afternoon. She's going to start bringing her things over next week. It's happening faster than I expected. But Sonya says the apartment she's been renting is too expensive to keep while pregnant, and…
The apartment feels different without Flavio dropping by. Without him sitting in the corner watching everyone else live their lives. I've been thinking about calling him. Asking how New York is. Asking if he's okay.…
Sonya's doctor said everything looks good. The baby is healthy. We heard the heartbeat today. It's real. Fully, irrevocably real. I held Sonya's hand while we listened to this tiny sound that is somehow a person. A…
Short trip to clear my head. London rain, anonymous bars, nobody asking me to be anything I wasn't ready to be. I didn't write much while I was there. I just walked. Rome always pulls me back. It always does.
He left early this morning. I went to the airport to see him off, though he said it wasn't necessary. At the gate, he turned back one more time. Just looked at me for a long moment without saying anything. Like he wa…
We're having dinner tomorrow night. Just the two of us. I'm planning to cook, which is a mistake because I can't cook and it will probably be terrible. But I want him to know that I appreciate our friendship before h…
What a hot day here in Rome! I went to run early in the morning in Villa Borghese, but even that early was too late. This is just a quick answer to the only "follower" I got on this blog. Thanks for reading it. This…
We had lunch yesterday. I think I already wrote about this but it bears repeating because I need to convince myself—and probably her—that I meant what I said. She asked me directly: "Are we doing this together?" I c…
Agosto I'm four months pregnant and I can barely breathe. Mario has been kind. He's been present. He's been trying. But it's not enough. Or I'm not enough. Or we're not enough together. I keep thinking about what…
And I am worried about it. No sex, no dates, and I don't even want to see fuck buddies anymore. Nothing at all. I will stay in Rome this weekend. I refused Sonya's offer to go away with her. I don't want to be trappe…
We're meeting at a café near the Colosseum in an hour. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know if there's any version of this conversation that doesn't end with her hating me. But I'm going to try. For the…
Simona forgave me. Just like that. Walked away from years of justified anger and said, "Yes. I forgive you." It made me feel worse, not better. I called Sonya. Asked if we could meet. Asked if we could talk about th…
She called this morning. Early. Like she'd been waiting for the exact moment when I would be vulnerable enough to actually listen. She's pregnant. She took the test. Two pink lines. Definite. And I felt... nothing.…
Not in those words exactly. But the meaning was clear. She said I was interesting. That I seemed capable of real feeling, which surprised her. But that she wasn't interested in pursuing anything with me because she w…
Today is the day. I can feel it. Something is about to change. The way the light is coming through my apartment. The way my chest feels tight. The way I keep checking my phone to make sure I haven't missed any message…
Sonya told me she's pregnant. Or she might be. She's not sure yet. She hasn't taken the test because she's terrified. And the first thing I felt wasn't joy or fear or responsibility. It was annoyance. Pure, clean ann…
Sunday lunch. I've booked a restaurant near the Trevi Fountain. Somewhere touristy enough that it doesn't feel too intimate, but private enough that I can orchestrate what happens. Simona and Anneka confirmed they're…
Sonya wants us to have a serious conversation about "the future." That's how she phrased it. Like we're a company that needs a five-year plan instead of two people who stopped connecting somewhere around May. I told…
We had lunch yesterday. I think I already wrote about this but it bears repeating because I need to convince myself—and probably her—that something is wrong with her, not with me. She asked me directly: "Do you love…
Another day at the office. Lunch with Sonya, which was... complicated. She wants to know where this is going. I don't have an answer because I don't know where I want it to go. Away, preferably. The weather here in R…