Six months soon

We're almost at six months. The baby is starting to look like a person on the ultrasounds. The doctor pointed out facial features. Sonya cried.

I wondered if this was what I was supposed to feel.

I said the right things. Made the right facial expressions. Held her hand at the right moments.

But inside, I was still at the gym watching Simona with Anneka. Still imagining the life I could have had if I hadn't been so predictable, so shallow, so fundamentally incapable of actual change.

Therapy continues. Dr. Bernini is starting to understand my patterns, I think. Or maybe I'm just getting better at performing understanding my own patterns, which is probably the same thing.