New York reality

I've been here for a week and I already miss Rome.

Not the city itself. But the certainty of being able to see Mario whenever I want. The knowledge of where he is and what he's doing.

Here, I'm truly alone. Which is what I wanted. But it's also somehow worse.

My ex took me to dinner yesterday. We talked about Bonnie. I told him she couldn't come because of work. The lie is almost second nature now.

He asked if we were getting serious. If maybe I was finally going to settle down.

I said I didn't know. That maybe New York was a chance to figure things out.

What I didn't say is that the things I need to figure out can't be solved by geography. They can only be solved by admitting something about myself that I'm not ready to admit.

So I'm hiding here. In a city that used to feel full of possibility and now just feels like an elaborate prison.