Becoming a father

Sonya's doctor said everything looks good. The baby is healthy. We heard the heartbeat today.

It's real. Fully, irrevocably real.

I held Sonya's hand while we listened to this tiny sound that is somehow a person. A human being that I created. That I'm responsible for.

The doctor asked if we knew the sex. We said no. Said we wanted to be surprised.

On the drive home, Sonya asked what I thought it would be. I said I didn't care. She said that was a cop-out. That every parent has some idea of who they want the child to be before they arrive.

I said that my only idea is that I don't want to fuck it up. That I don't want this child to grow up thinking that love means using people or that commitment is something to be avoided.

She said that was a good start.

We're going to be parents. In about four months, our lives are going to change fundamentally.

I'm terrified. But for the first time, I'm also... hopeful.