Five months real

Sonya is five months pregnant now. We went to the doctor today. Heard the heartbeat again. She was crying the whole time.

I was thinking about Simona.

I know how that sounds. I know I'm supposed to be present for this moment. My child's heartbeat. The confirmation that something I created is alive and growing. Most men would feel something.

I felt obligation.

The doctor asked how I was feeling. I said excited. Sonya squeezed my hand. I squeezed back and made my face do the thing it does when I'm performing emotion.

After the appointment Sonya wanted to go buy things for the baby. A crib, clothes, one of those monitor things. I followed her around the store saying things like "That's nice" and "Good choice" while internally resenting every minute.

She kept looking at me like she needed reassurance that this was okay. That I was okay with it. That I wanted this.

I kept lying.

The thing that scares me isn't the baby. It's the permanence of Sonya. Once this child is born, I can't just disappear. Can't pretend I was never here. I'm bound to her forever through this small person who will need me and depend on me and probably hate me eventually when they figure out who I actually am.

Simona has started bringing a friend to the gym. Older woman, looks like she actually cares about her. They talk after class. Laugh together. There's something there that feels real in a way nothing with Sonya feels.

I watched them leave together and thought: that's what I should be doing. Finding someone who wants me for actual reasons. Not someone I knocked up by accident.

But I can't leave. So I'll stay and pretend and do just enough to keep Sonya thinking I'm trying.