What is wrong with me?

Sonya told me she's pregnant. Or she might be. She's not sure yet. She hasn't taken the test because she's terrified.

And the first thing I felt wasn't joy or fear or responsibility. It was annoyance. Pure, clean annoyance that this had happened right when I was starting to imagine a different life.

What kind of person feels that?

The kind of person I am, apparently.

I told her we should wait until she knew for sure before we discussed anything. She started crying. Said that sounded like I didn't care about the possibility. That if I loved her, I would be excited about it.

I couldn't lie to her convincingly. So I didn't answer.

She left. Said she was going to stay at her sister's for a while. Said she needed time to figure out what she wanted to do and what I wanted to do and whether there was any "us" left at all.

Part of me felt relief when she left. That's the part I really hate about myself.

The lunch with Simona and Anneka is on Sunday. At this point I have nothing to lose. Sonya's gone. The relationship or whatever it was is effectively over. I might as well see what Simona is actually capable of feeling.

I'm going to be honest with her. Or at least as honest as I know how to be while still maintaining the version of myself that seems like someone worth wanting.