Anneka and I went to the beach yesterday. Just for the day. We drove down to the coast and sat in the sand and didn't talk much. Sometimes you don't need to.
She asked me if I was okay. If the lunch had shaken me too badly.
I told her the truth—that seeing Mario in that vulnerable state had somehow made him less threatening. That it's hard to maintain fear of someone when you can see their fear too.
She said that was compassion. That it was a sign of my healing.
But I'm not sure about that. I think it might just be that I'm getting tired of being angry. That the rage that used to fuel me is starting to feel less like protection and more like a weight I've been carrying around for no reason.
I had a dream last night for the first time in weeks where he wasn't in it. It was just me, alone on a beach, and instead of being frightened, I felt peaceful.
Maybe I'm going to be okay. Maybe some day far in the future, the memories won't trigger my entire nervous system. Maybe I'll just be a person who had something terrible happen to her but isn't defined by it.
That would be nice.
For now, I have Anneka. And I have work that I love. And I have a life that's slowly starting to feel like mine again.
That's enough.
Comments
Simona, I'm so happy for you. You're becoming stronger every day.
Reduction in trauma dreams + increased sense of safety in relationships = your nervous system is healing. Well done.
Ti voglio bene, Simona. You're going to be just fine.
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