Goodbye, everyone. I am returning to where I was meant to be for so long.
Too much wine. Too much history in one room. Anneka texted from her parents' that she loves me. I held the phone like a lifeline. Tomorrow I'll pretend I don't know what I know.
I can't do this anymore. The healing. The recovery. The belief that I could rebuild myself and become someone who matters. I was right about one thing: I survived what was supposed to destroy me. But survival isn't…
I'm writing this while I'm in the bathtub. The water is warm. My wrists are open. There's a strange peace in finally surrendering to what I've always known to be true: I don't deserve to live. Not because of what ha…
I read Flavio's diary today. It was an accident at first. His notebook was open on the kitchen table and I was looking for the Christmas menu. But once I started reading, I couldn't stop. He's in love with Mario. H…
Something about Mario's messages has changed. Needier. Flavio's too—performative calm. Anneka asked if I want to cancel the visit to their place. I said no. That might have been pride talking.
Three days until Christmas. Flavio has orchestrated a dinner. The three of us. And somehow, in the planning of it, I've realized something: I'm not orchestrating anything. I'm being orchestrated. Flavio is using me…
Low sun on the buildings. Anneka bought oranges. We're reading on the sofa like an old couple. I don't take these days for granted anymore.
November was brutal. But I'm ending it in peace. No vendetta. No plans for revenge. Just a quiet life with someone I love. That's enough. That's everything.
Anneka and I started meditating together every morning. Just fifteen minutes. Sitting together. Breathing together. Being present. It's changed something in me. Softened something. Made me realize that I don't need…
Living with them is a nightmare. Mario is obsessed with me but emotionally absent. Flavio is performing kindness while orchestrating destruction. And I'm in the middle, trying to maintain power in a situation where I…
Luigi called. Everyone is shaken. Mario most of all. I feel strange—sad for Sonya, relieved it isn't me, ashamed of that relief. Human, I guess.
Went to Sonya's funeral today. She was so young. So full of potential. So undeserving of this ending. Mario looked like a ghost. Completely hollow. Completely gone. I felt sorry for him. Which surprised me. But gri…
Flavio asked if Mario and I wanted to move in with him. Said it would help Mario during this difficult time. Said that the three of us together might create some healing. I knew it wasn't about healing. I knew it was…
Woke up this morning feeling hopeful. Anneka is still asleep. The sun is coming through the window. The apartment is quiet and warm. This is everything I wanted.
We fought about laundry. Stupid. Then we laughed about fighting about laundry. I used to think love was intensity. Now I think it's repair.
Halloween in Rome. Kids in costumes running through the streets. Anneka and I stayed home. Watched a movie. Held each other. No costumes. No masks. Just us being authentically ourselves. This is what I wanted. This…
Realized something today during my morning meditation. The nightmares don't control me anymore. The trauma doesn't define me. I'm not a victim of what happened to me—I'm a survivor who's actively building a life of p…
Flavio asked me to have dinner with him and Mario. Said it would be good for all of us. Neutral ground. A chance to clear the air. I said yes. But not for the reasons he thinks. I'm going to orchestrate something. I…
Dr. B. says I'm integrating anger without acting it out. I told her about the vendetta fantasy and she didn't flinch. Progress isn't linear. It's a bruise that slowly fades.
She had a work trip to Milan for two nights. I missed her like a limb. Healthy attachment? Terrifying attachment? I don't care. I like missing her.
Teaching a 7 a.m. class. Bodies waking up slowly. Anneka left me a thermos of tea with a stupid drawing on the lid. I almost cried in the locker room. Happy tears. I'm not used to them.
I know what's happening now. Mario is obsessed with me. But he's with Sonya. And Flavio is obsessed with Mario. And no one is actually capable of real love—we're all just circling each other like predators. Anneka a…
Flavio came into the gym today. Mario's best friend. He introduced himself after class. Asked me to coffee. Something about him made me uncomfortable in a way I couldn't articulate. Not predatory, exactly. But observ…
I feel at peace for the first time in years. Not constantly. There are still moments where the old fear creeps in. Moments where I feel small and broken and like I deserve to suffer. But those moments are shorter no…
It's been one month since I started teaching at the gym in San Giovanni. I have more clients now. People are asking for my classes specifically. I've become part of the community. This feels right. This is the kind…
It's September. Three months since I met Anneka. Two months since we moved in together. I'm different now. Not healed. I don't think I'll ever be "healed." But functional. Present. Capable of actual joy instead of ju…
One month since we moved into our apartment. It's become home. Not because of the walls but because of who I share it with. Anneka made me breakfast in bed this morning. We stayed there for hours just being together…
The apartment is becoming more ours every day. Anneka hung photos on the walls yesterday. Pictures of us. Pictures of places we've been together. Photos that document the fact that we exist. I keep looking at them.…
Had a completely normal day today. Work was good. Came home. Made dinner with Anneka. Watched a movie. Went to bed. There's nothing remarkable about it. And that's the whole point. My life is regular now. Normal. O…
Today marks one month since Anneka and I met. It feels like a lifetime. It also feels like yesterday. She made me breakfast in bed. We stayed there for hours, just talking about nothing and everything. At one point…
Two weeks in the new apartment. Two weeks in the new job. Two weeks of this new life. It's becoming real. Not the exciting, surreal newness of it anymore, but the solid, grounded reality of building something. Annek…
Started at the gym in San Giovanni today. It's smaller than Romano's place. More intimate. The clients are a mix of locals and people from surrounding neighborhoods. I taught an afternoon class and it went well. The…
Woke up in our apartment. Our bed. With Anneka's arm across my waist. The sun is coming through the window and hitting the wall in a way that makes everything look golden. This is it. This is the life I fought so ha…
We're moving today. Anneka is directing traffic like a general. Our friends are here helping. It's chaotic and happy and full of the kind of human connection I've been starving for. The new apartment is small but it…
Is this what healing looks like? Waking up and feeling like maybe today won't be as hard as yesterday? Going to work and actually engaging with people instead of just performing presence? Coming home to Anneka and…
I got a room in a flat with this gay guy in San Giovanni. I like the place, the building, the area, and the guy himself. Very sweet! I will move next weekend. All perfect: nice room, independent bathroom, nice small b…
Anneka surprised me with a trip to the coast. We drove down to Sabaudia this morning. To the same beach where I went with her friends weeks ago, when Mario was an active threat in my mind. The difference is striking.…
The apartment is full of boxes. Everything I own is packed up or ready to be packed. It's strange how little space a life actually takes up when you're not accumulating things as a way to prove you exist. Anneka is…
Anneka asked me if I wanted to move in with her. She said it casually, like it was no big deal. Like two adults choosing to live together is just a practical decision, not some massive emotional leap. But it felt ma…
Insomnia again. The nightmares are back. I thought I had moved past this shit but apparently not.
Found it. A small place in San Giovanni. Two bedrooms, a little balcony, light that comes in from three sides. It's perfect. Anneka and I signed the papers today. She was crying. Happy tears. She kept saying, "This…
Anneka and I are looking at apartments today. Real apartments. With the intention of actually living in them together. This is real. This is happening. I'm nervous and excited and terrified all at once. But in a go…
To move in with her. Not immediately. But eventually. When I'm ready. I said yes before I even finished thinking about it. We're going to look for a place together. Something in San Giovanni maybe. Somewhere that's…
Mario came to my Pilates class today. Sat in the back and didn't participate. Afterward, he waited until all the other clients left. Then he asked if we could talk. I said yes, which surprised me. He told me about…
Anneka and I went to the beach yesterday. Just for the day. We drove down to the coast and sat in the sand and didn't talk much. Sometimes you don't need to. She asked me if I was okay. If the lunch had shaken me too…
Anneka and I are back at my place. She's in the kitchen making tea. I'm trying to process what just happened. Mario is different than I expected. Less threatening, somehow. More human. He was nervous. Actually nervou…
Anneka is asleep on my couch. We're supposed to get up early tomorrow for the lunch. Neither of us is looking forward to it, but we're going anyway. She showered at my place and borrowed one of my shirts to sleep in.…
There's a girl at the gym. Her name is Anneka. She's older than me, maybe 40, with grey in her hair and the kind of presence that makes you feel safe just being near her. She came to my class three days ago. And some…
Anneka came by the gym this morning with a lunch invitation. From Mario. For both of us. On Sunday. She thought it was funny. She said, "I think he's trying to seduce both of us at the same time." The truth is, he p…
She wanted to meet at a café near Termini. Neutral ground, I suppose. Neither of us claiming territory. We sat for three hours. Three hours and we talked about everything—her work (something with the UN), my trauma (…
I'm starting this because I need somewhere to put all the things I can't say out loud. My name is Simona. I'm 29 years old. I live in Rome. I teach Pilates to people who mostly don't care about the form as much as th…